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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29054091">No Steamed Hams (Steamed Hams but it’s No Straight Roads)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaotiqueProductions/pseuds/ChaotiqueProductions'>ChaotiqueProductions</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>No Straight Roads (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Meme, Other, Steamed Hams, TV Punching</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:15:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,255</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29054091</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaotiqueProductions/pseuds/ChaotiqueProductions</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>🎵Nova with his crazy explanations, Tatiana’s gonna need her medication, when she hears Nova’s lame exaggerations there’ll be trouble in town tonight!🎵</p><p>NOOOOOOVAAAAAA!!!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tatiana | Kul Fyra (No Straight Roads)/Undisclosed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>No Steamed Hams (Steamed Hams but it’s No Straight Roads)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I got nothing else to add. Just sit back, kick back, and enjoy as DJ Subatomic Supernova tries to give Tatiana an unforgettable luncheon.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As surprising as it may seem to some, Club Planetarium was… rather inactive sometimes. The owner was merely a mysterious DJ in a blue, space styled sweatshirt and barely anything covering his non-shaved legs. To top it all off (literally) his head was merely a sphere in the color of indigo. Despite having his headphones in and sitting at his DJ set, he was lounging about, only looking at the stars above him on the ceiling. He was only thinking about one thing at the moment: all the other artists were having their off day. What makes his day any different. And soon, he remembered once again.</p><p> Tatiana.</p><p> It was hard for him to respect people as much as himself, but Tatiana was the closest he got to respecting someone more than him. Once ruling over the city with an iron fist, now trying to fix her faults only a couple of months later. So when she proposed that they talk over some lunch after his… last meeting mistake, he felt as if he didn’t have much of a say in the matter. Ah, he remembered that meeting like it was yesterday, if only because it was yesterday. If there’s one thing he learned, it’s that he somehow does a good job at starting fires when it isn’t his place. And in a fit of rage, he punched Eve’s brand new TV… or so he thought.</p><p> “Congratulations, Nova. You owe me a new TV.”</p><p> “If I knew it was yours I wouldn’t have even bothered, Tatiana.”</p><p> It still gave him goosebumps thinking about it. So imagine his distraught when he heard a knocking on the Planetarium doors, an echo that filled a starry room of silence. The DJ got up from his set and walked over in an upright position. He opened the doors, and behind them stood a woman in a black and white dress with white and red hair as well as grey skin and small purple glasses. She tucked her left hand back in and smiled. “Well, DJ Subatomic Supernova, I made it… despite your directions.”</p><p> “Ah, Tatiana, welcome! How’s the, uh…”</p><p> “I got the replacement, no need to worry.”</p><p> “Well, the food should be ready. I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!” Supernova went to go get the food as Tatiana simply waited by the doors. He usually liked making his food on the portable grill he owned, even if using it inside seemed daunting to most. Unfortunately for him, when he went inside the room the grill was cooking his pre-packaged chicken in, he instead found smoke rising as he gasped and opened the metal lid on the grill left on a counter, revealing extremely burnt chicken. “You have got to be kidding me, my roast is ruined!”</p><p> As he was about to throw it out, something popped into his head that caused him to close the lid and keep the grill on. A plan that would get him off scott free and keep his planetarium from certain doom. “But what if… I were to purchase something from Sortie Cafe… and disguise it as my own cooking?... Ohohohoho! Delightfully devilish, Subatomic Supernova!” Supernova opened up the window, letting some of the smoke out. But as he was about to make a run over to the Metro Division, Tatiana came into the room with annoyance and frustration at seeing Nova trying to make his escape. “NOOOOVAAAA!!!”</p><p> “Tatiana, I was just-! Er- just stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric exercise, care to join me?” The DJ thought that this excuse would end up flying by as he started to, indeed, stretch his calves on the windowsill. But the hope was short lived after Tatiana looked at his grill and voiced suspicion. “Why is there smoke coming out of your grill, Supernova?” The DJ stopped stretching his calves and looked at the grill as more smoke puffed out from it. He didn’t really have any excuses except for one, and it was one that was gonna be hard to pull off.</p><p> “Ooh! Uh… that isn’t smoke! It’s steam! Steam from the steamed clams we’re having! Mmm, steamed clams!” He pretended to rub his stomach as he phrased his reason, though Tatiana only got more suspicious. “You’re steaming something… with a grill.”</p><p> “Yes!”</p><p> “Hmm… meet me at Natura. In case you need some more time to prepare.” Tatiana then left the room and soon the Planetarium as Supernova was left to himself… the perfect opportunity. He let out a quick “phew!” before grabbing the  portable grill and running towards a hidden exit, still not thinking of turning the grill off.</p><p> </p><p> The DJ had to take a stop at the Metro Division before heading over to Natura to pick up a good meal at the Sortie Cafe. He decided to pick up some burgers that were new on the menu, putting aside the fact that he lied to both Tatiana and himself that the meal he had in mind was a platter of steamed clams. Afterwards, he went over to Natura and was about to look for Tatiana only to realize that he still had his grill to deal with.</p><p> A girl with golden hair and a casual garden attire was tending plants in a greenhouse when Supernova suddenly bursted in, hiding the smoking grill behind his back. The girl stopped her tending and looked at the DJ, confused. “DJ? What are you doing here?” He was extremely nervous to break the news to her, so when he said his piece, it came out like a broken down mess. “TATIANA WANTED ME FOR LUNCH HERE SO I CAME OVER DO YOU HAVE A GOOD BURIAL GROUND AROUND HERE?!”</p><p> “A what ground?” Yinu’s confusion led to curiosity, and it was curiousity that the DJ didn’t have time to deal with. “Ahem… it’s a place where you can dig up a hole and put something within. Like how you usually plant those green weeds you call grass.”</p><p> “Oh! My mother’s in the garden right now! You can plant something there!”</p><p> “Thank you very much, little one.” He then ran out of the greenhouse as Yinu shot one more confused look and went back to tending her plants. She was young, so after that, the death of his grill was none of her concern by Nova’s standards… or so he thought.</p><p> Nova went into a garden filled with planted greens and flower pots galore. Yinu’s mom was red with long hair and a black dress covered in roses, so he could tell that she wasn’t here when the red didn’t stick out like a sore thumb. He ran up to the middle of one of the columns surrounded by plants as he gave himself the all clear. He put the grill down and picked up a beefy stick as he held it up and readied his aim.</p><p> “I’m sorry, little one. You will be remembered!” “He hit the grill with one strong smack as it left a huge dent going all the way down to the very legs. Oddly enough, Fire was still spewing from under the lid, but that was unknown to him. He took out two canisters that he thought were juice boxes, hoping to cool the fire down. When he opened both of them up and then opened the lid to pour the liquid in it, however, the fire only got worse as it bursted into the air and spreaded throughout the grass. He looked at the canisters to see that they were actually filled with oil, which prompted him to run away from the scene before he pulled out the bag of burgers from his jacket and continued to keep them close to him.</p><p> Tatiana was sitting at a table far enough from the fire where she couldn’t notice it when Supernova walked towards her carrying a platter of hamburgers with both of his hands. “Tatiana, of all the cosmos that I have come across, none will give you as much fulfillment as these mouthwatering, succulent hamburgers.” Tatiana looked up and immediately voiced suspicion once again. “I thought we were having steamed clams.”</p><p> “Nonono, I said steamed HAMS! That’s what I call hamburgers!” Supernova put the platter down on the table and proceeded to sit down. Tatiana simultaneously voiced both confusion and annoyance at his response and expressed it towards him.” You call hamburgers ‘steamed hams?’”</p><p> “Yes! It’s a regional dialect.”</p><p> “Eh, which region?”</p><p> “Uhhh, mostly around the U.S.”</p><p> “Really? Well, I went to New York before and I never heard anyone use the phrase ‘steamed hams’”</p><p> “From what I’ve seen, it’s more of a Pennsylvanian expression.”</p><p> “Of course.” Supernova got two glasses and filled them up with champagne as Tatiana took a bite from one of the burgers, showing slight satisfaction but familiarity with the flavor. “You know, these hamburgers are quite the same to the ones they have at Sortie Cafe.” The DJ responded with laughter after he spit his champagne out, flying towards the producer’s face. “Ohohohoho, no! Patented DJ burgers! Old family recipe.”</p><p> “For steamed hams?”</p><p> “Yes!”</p><p> “Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.” Said Tatiana as she opened up her burger and showed it to him, revealing the grill marks left onto the greasy slab of beef. Supernova realized one thing: he was stuck in a corner. And it was a tough corner to break from. “Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- - Excuse me for one second.”</p><p> He left the table as Tatiana seemingly understood and continued eating her burger. That was until 10 minutes passed by and the blue jacketed artist didn’t return. Tatiana sighed and got up from her chair, trying to follow the path that Supernova took when he left. She walked around for five minutes until Supernova suddenly popped in front of her around a corner, faking a yawn and some pants. “Honestly, that was wonderful, a good time was had by all. But consider me pooped.”</p><p> “Yes, I should be- GOOD LORD, WHAT IS HAPPENING OVER THERE?!” Tatiana turned from the corner only to see fire spewing from an alleyway. Supernova looked at it and then turned back to his boss, giving the most logical lie he could give.</p><p> “Aurora borealis.”</p><p> “Uh- AURORA BOREALIS?! At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within this district?!”</p><p> “Yes!”</p><p> Tatiana, surprisingly, calmed down after that answer. It seemed that she was fooled… a little too fooled for Supernova. “Supernova… I doubt you in a lot of places, but… may I see it?” This surprised him, to no one else’s surprise if anyone else was around. But after a few seconds of thinking, he decided to give her the answer that would enlighten her beyond any reason and open himself up to those who deserve his respect.</p><p> “No.”</p><p> Tatiana ended up taking it rather well as the two of them headed towards the exit of the district with Supernova’s directions. As the two were about to leave, Yinu surprisingly managed to get within range as a tree next to her caught on fire. “Mr. DJ! The whole place… it’s on fire!” As he stood next to Tatiana, he quickly dismissed Yinu and told the same lie that he already spread. “No, Yinu, it’s just the northern lights!”</p><p> “Well Nova, you are an odd fellow, but I must say… you steam a good ham. I’ll see you next week!” Tatiana turned to leave, with the only thing that ended up distracting her was distorted yells screaming for help before Supernova gave her the thumbs up and she went on her merry way. He looked at where the yells were coming from, only to see Yinu’s mom stuck under a burning tree branch as Yinu was kept away from the fire. The mother looked up to see Supernova and was then filled with rage. “You… this is all your fault!” And after seeing her anger, Supernova left the district, soon casually walking home.</p><p> </p><p>                                                          —————————————————————</p><p> </p><p> The next day, Supernova found himself within Tatiana’s office in NSR Tower. It had a bit of a clock theme going for it, and Tatiana was out as he expected, but that was none of his concern as all of the NSR artists sat down and surrounded him, the only ones not present being Yinu and her mother. Eve, a woman split into two colors (those being pink and white) played a news recording on Tatiana’s new TV.</p><p> “Terror struck Natura last night as wildfire caught on for the first time within decades. Even worse, not even the child prodigy, Yinu, was safe from the harm. Reports came in saying that it was started from a portable grill heavily damaged yet still working at the time. How the grill got there in the first place, however, is currently under one guess: a man in a blue jacket and no pants smashed it into the ground and-”</p><p> At that moment, Supernova punched the screen of the TV, leaving a frozen, poor quality picture of him smashing the grill into the ground. He took his hand back as Eve hovered over him with disgust and disappointment. “Hopefully, you can pay for her TV before she comes back and you explain the whole scenario.” He breathed in and then breathed out as he faced the artists and gave his answer.</p><p> “I told Tatiana, I told Yinu, and I’ll tell all of you the same thing… aurora borealis.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I thought of this dumb shitpost recently and I’m proud of how it turned out. Especially since I’ve been getting into No Straight Roads myself. If this gets any good public attention I’ll be so happy.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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